He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
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Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
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there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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