Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am never drinking with the goths again.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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