why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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