Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
