I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
