I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
