Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
