I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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