I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
