Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
