The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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