mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
