mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
