I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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