Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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