Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
