I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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