Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
