Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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