The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
