I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
