why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
