I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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