i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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