ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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