Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
