Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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