Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
