I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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