Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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