They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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