xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
