i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
