I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
