are you still at the devil's house?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
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he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
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The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?