it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
