I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
