I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
