you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it penis luge time yet?
As shirtless as possible
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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