Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
