Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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