I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
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My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
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Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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