Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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