The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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