I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
