It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
