He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
