I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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