My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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