so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
