I just cut my nipple shaving
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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