i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
