Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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