Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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