i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
