I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
two words: eviction party
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
