; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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