I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
