More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I could make wine with my vomit
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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