why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
