I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
