Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
