I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
