well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
